Beautiful Disaster

 

Repost from

March 18, 2014

*****BEAUTIFUL DISASTER*****

I love those words together…..that pretty much sums up my life…. Hopefully by now you know me well enough to know I am a “glass is half full” kinda girl.  I love the way my life has turned out and I am truly grateful to God for everything.  But I have these moments that I sit back and laugh and go….”That’s exactly what I am….a Beautiful Disaster”….Beautiful in the sense that God makes everything beautiful….I am beautifully wonderfully made and I have a purpose here on earth….but oh have i been a disaster?!   There are still things from my past that people have said or done that hurt.  Forgiven but not forgotten….These become my low moments when I start second guessing myself and thinking about the type of person I am.  Obviously I am not the only one with problems.  I several people close to me with similar issues to mine and many with worse.   The devil is working hard on those close to me in my support system.  It’s funny how I knew what he was doing to me and I stood firm and it only got worse and then to see the same thing happen to someone close.  NOT A COINCIDENCE.  The stronger we become in our faith, the harder our spiritual battles become.  This past month has NOT been my month! People are exhausting! I am so overwhelmed…. I’m trying my hardest to stay upbeat and positive….but it’s hard… I can feel myself reverting back to my old state of mind….

That part of me that hides behind the mask and fakes a smile at the world.  Stay away from everyone.  That side of me that nothing but sarcasm comes from…because it’s all I know at this point…since everyone just agitates the ever lovin’ fire outta me…..I just wanna hide from the world right now.

Easier said than done, right?  I dunno.   Whatever it is I need to find out…. All I know is that I’m feeling the opposite way that I should be.

Is it just me?

Ever wonder about the things that go on inside your own head? Wonder about your own personality, maybe something is a little off?

These are recurring thoughts of mine. Why is it others function so much easier than i do?

Why do i still feel like a child in most conversations? Why am i always looking for that adult type companion? You know the one who seems to be that solid moral role model…..

Do we all look for this? Or is it something about me?

In so many ways i feel like a child needing guidance….

Being a mother, that’s no problem. God is in control. My child has been His from the moment of conception. i prayed and promised God that in return the child would be His. That promise has been kept.

The rest of life, however, i dont know how to function properly it seems. New jobs intimidate me….i panic at interviews…..i have social anxiety so i can’t stand crowds or bday parties. i am the type of person who is happiest at home with my husband and child. I love the rest of my family but i can deal with the occasional phone call with certain ones and i am great!

Holidays are great…i love em….but i would rather have them quietly at home….. 

Shhhhhhh……

I have a problem understanding why certain things are “swept under the rug”.  I watch families and friends struggling with their pasts.  I see a point to keeping your  child’s addiction to something out of the public eye unless you are looking for help.   

My concern is that there are families who hide a certain member’s action against another family member whether it is physical, mental, emotional, or sexual abuse from the rest of the family and take no action against the party doing wrong.  

Does this make the knowing members accessories to these crimes? Even if it never happens again… Do they silence the victim from speaking of it to the rest of the family?  How does this affect  the victim long term?

Really think about it….if you were that victim being silenced how would this affect you and your family? How could you learn to trust the ones meant to protect you if you abuser was never removed or dealt with?

 It’s a sad world we live in and this is only one scenario of which goes on daily…..why should victims remain silent?  Why are these issues so hard to talk about openly?  When all hell has broken loose in this world…..

A Cookie Cutter World

How do you see yourself? 

I ask myself this quite often.  Even in my 30s I have no answer.  I know who I feel like inside. But the person within looks nothing like me.  This is what I feel like.

In reality, I have one tattoo which cannot be seen and needs to be redone.  I did dye my hair black.i look silly in beanies hahaha.  I have about 40 lbs to lose before I would look decent in that outfit in the middle.  Which the weight i will lose.  But, where I live i would get all kinda stupid looks if I dressed like that. Part of me wants to just wants to just go for it and say who cares.  How come it’s so hard to say,  be, and do what you want to do?

❤Serenity❤

Beautiful….isn’t it? It has to be one of my all time favorite views…. Have you ever laid on the bottom of a pool?  It’s so serene… I’ve done it once…Not even sure how it happened…All I know is that for the first and only time in my life I lost all train of thought lying there on the bottom of the pool looking up at the sky through the water.  No noise other than the muffled under water sounds….Pure tranquil silence…nothing eerie about it.  The beauty of the sun’s reflection surrounding me.  I have no idea how long this lasted but when I snapped out of it…I was heartbroken.  I darted to the top of the water and rushed for air.  I tried many many times to find that moment again.  And I never have… I am not a very good swimmer at all.  Nor do I like being in any kind of water I can’t see my feet in.  I don’t like not knowing.  But I can swim under water.  I like just standing in one spot in the pool and going under just to lose my surroundings for the moment….when the water goes over my face and head…the world disappears….. I’m sure you already have guessed, I was that child that loved mermaids. Heck, I still do!

Something about the water is soothing to me…. even now I will every now and then fill the tub with lots of water and soak and lay my head completely under to drown out everything. I used to use it as a method to hide my crying spells when I would get mad. (I’m not a cryer…if I’m crying I’m REALLY pissed and usually I hide it) so I’d get in the bath and hold my breath under water to stifle the noise…this was when I was with my ex…. ha! the more I spill this stuff the more twisted I sound to myself… It’s ok…..we all cope our own ways…. I need a pool or even better a room full of water!

How cool would that be?!  Don’t know if I would ever want to leave it tho…lol…..

Guess it’s actually time for me to get some sleep. Sweet dreams everyone….